Relationships are hard work! But they become even more complicated once there’s a loss of trust. And there’s no bigger loss of trust than a betrayal like infidelity. For many, cheating is a dealbreaker, especially since betrayal is rarely a one-off. But that’s not always the case for every relationship. Some couples can bounce back from a cheating scandal and come back stronger than ever, while others have to call it quits right then and there.
How can some couples forgive and move on while others can’t? Well, it comes down to the question: is cheating a dealbreaker? It’s easy to say yes when you’re not in the situation, but imagine being with a person for 20+ years, and you have children, a home, and shared bank accounts. The answer is now a bit complicated — throwing your hands up and leaving when your lives are intertwined is difficult.
We’re not advocating for you to stay or go but to keep things (your relationship, livelihood, etc.) in mind. Below, we get into why cheating may or may not be a dealbreaker, as some think it is.
You need to consider if your relationship is healthy.
No relationship is perfect because people aren’t perfect. That said, is cheating the issue, or is there an underlying cause? Look at your relationship and reflect on your arguments with your partner. Did they express their needs, and how wasn’t the relationship fulfilling them? Cheating is a stupid thing, but sometimes people do stupid things because they don’t know how to cope with their feelings.
If your partner has been communicating with you about needing more openness, communication, or sexual experiences, and you’ve brushed it off repeatedly, well, that’s something to consider. Because while cheating is never the correct answer, is it the main issue?
Essentially, before you call it quits, try to determine if you can get to the root cause of the problem and if it’s worth fixing. Just because your partner cheated because of unmet needs doesn’t mean they’re off the hook for their cheating. Both parties will need to work on repairing the relationship.
Determine if the relationship is worth saving.
This is where “for better or for worse” comes in. Are you and your partner willing to try to rebuild the trust? It’s hard to answer this, of course. You don’t know if your partner will cheat again, and evidence shows that a cheater in a past relationship is three times more likely to cheat again, according to a University of Denver study. Which makes things a bit scary, but what’s the harm in trying?
Hear us out: cheating is a despicable thing to do to someone, let alone someone you love. But is your partner regretful? Did they confess to you, or did you learn from someone else? How was the relationship before the cheating? Are you guys married with children? There are a lot of factors to consider when thinking about saving the relationship, and sometimes, we forget about these factors when we’re in the throes of heartbreak.
That’s why it’s important to take time and practice self-care before making a decision. When in doubt, visit a family therapist! Counselors are here to help you navigate these life scenarios and manage your emotions and feelings during these turbulent times.
Ultimately, the answer to cheating a dealbreaker remains a complicated one. Knowing when to stay or leave depends on the individual and their relationship. So, if you find yourself in this situation, consider the relationship and your partner. Ask yourself the deep stuff: if you decide to say, can you move on without building resentment? Is it healthier to leave for your mental and emotional health than to stay? Consider everything before you make a decision.
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